They'd had sex almost a dozen times. Enough times that he should probably be over his ridiculous fascination with Ryan's cock by now, Brendon was pretty sure. But they'd always been crammed into a dark bunk, or hiding out in the shadows in some mostly-hidden corner of a venue, half-dressed and hurried. He'd never had opportunity to really look, the way he could do right now, with Ryan naked on the huge hotel room bed, and Brendon comfortably stretched out between his thighs.

Ryan definitely had the biggest cock of any guy Brendon had ever slept with, and he was the first uncut one, too. Brendon carefully stroked that extra bit of skin with the tips of his fingers, fascinated all over again at how soft it was. He bent down and rubbed his lips against it, careful not to scratch Ryan with his beard stubble - should maybe have used the time to shave instead of having that last joint with the guys - and then he touched his lips to the head of Ryan's cock, where the skin was wetter and smoother than his own. He wished he could rub his lips against his own cock, just for comparison's sake. Also because that would be pretty fucking awesome, of course.

Brendon poked out his tongue and licked, rubbing the tip of his tongue against all those neat textures, shifting Ryan's foreskin around a little just to see if he could. Ryan made a noise, a kind of low, broken groan that made Brendon startle and look up, and then he suddenly realized that he'd spent at least the last ten minutes, probably more like fifteen, totally zoning out on Ryan's cock like a giant loser cocktease stoner. Fuck, he definitely should not have had that last joint.

Ryan was flushed all the way from his hairline down to his chest, clutching the bedspread in a white-knuckled grip, his whole body almost vibrating with badly-restrained tension. Brendon didn't really get why Ryan hadn't just shoved his head down and reminded him to get on with it, like, ten minutes ago. Dammit, he so didn't want to end up being that guy again

In retrospect, Brendon had been that guy entirely too often already – he’d gotten several break-up lectures on how much he sucked in bed, it was kind of depressing - and he really, really didn't want things to end like that with Ryan.

"Sorry, fuck, sorry," he mumbled, crawling up the bed to kiss Ryan in apology. "I suck. What do you want to do? Come on, anything you want to do. Just tell me."

Ryan kissed him back easily enough, but he gave a little sigh, half-muffled against Brendon's mouth, that sounded more like disappointment than pleasure. Brendon's stomach clenched up a little. He always hated disappointing people, but it was worse with Ryan, who was really bad about saying anything, and would just sigh a lot and get pissy. And then, when he finally ended up yelling at you, there'd be weeks worth of frustration coming out all at once, when it was too late to do anything about any of it.

Brendon had been his boyfriend for not even three weeks now, and this wasn't the first time he'd gotten the feeling that he wasn't really doing it for Ryan in bed. Experience suggested that if the sex didn't even work at the beginning, when there was still that spark of excitement and newness, it certainly wouldn't get any better once people started to get bored of him.

He had no idea what exactly it was that he wasn't doing, or was doing wrong. Today's drug-induced zone-out aside, he'd been trying his best, and he'd be happy to take instructions if Ryan would just give them.

He kissed Ryan's neck, and his stomach, and then leaned his head against Ryan's side, nuzzling his hip suggestively. "Come on, anything," and when Ryan still didn't answer "Want to fuck me? Or I could suck your cock. Properly this time, even."

He grinned up at Ryan, who smiled back kind of stiffly. Of course, that could just be Ryan being Ryan, but Brendon didn't want to keep prodding if it was just going to get on his nerves, either. He sighed a little and gave up on getting any kind of useful answer. He took Ryan's cock back into his mouth, no teasing this time, just trying to make it as good as he could: sliding down deep, wrapping his hand around the base. His lips didn't even touch his hand unless he really concentrated on going down, which was kind of awesome. Okay, so he was a bit of a size queen, whatever.

Ryan sighed a little, his hips hitching up, but then his hand slid into Brendon's hair, gently tugging him off. "Wait," he said, and his voice had that weird flat tone it got when he was feeling deeply uncomfortable with a situation. Brendon blinked up at him in surprise. Ryan didn't meet his eyes. "Could you, like, tease a little. Don't. Um. Don’t let me come?"

"Really?" Brendon said, surprised. It seemed like a weird request for Ryan, who tended to dig in his heels and get really cranky when you tried to make him do anything he didn't feel like doing. Making him wait for an orgasm seemed to fall into that general category.

It hadn't been the right thing to say when Ryan was obviously already uncomfortable making the request, of course. Ryan glared at him and pulled back, sitting up and crossing his arms defensively. "If you’re going to turn this into some kind of joke -“ he said tersely.

“I’m not!” Brendon interrupted indignantly. “I wasn’t. I wouldn’t! It just wasn't what I was expecting. Do you, like, want me to make you beg? Is that what you want?"

“Look, just forget I said anything, okay,” Ryan said. He didn't uncross his arms.

"I'm not making fun of you!" Brendon said. "I'm really not!”

Christ, Ryan got defensive so easily when he thought someone might possibly be laughing at him, and then he’d be prickly and dismissive for days, trying to salvage his wounded pride.

“No, come on, let me do this for you. I’d like to. Really,” Brendon said, aware that he sounded a little desperate. This was the first time Ryan had admitted to something he wanted in bed, and Brendon really wanted to do this for him. It was also… it would be so hot, getting Ryan to beg for it, when he usually tried so hard to seem cool and disenchanted about everything.

“Lie back down and put your hands above your head?” Brendon said. He’d been trying for commanding, but it came out uncertain and a little embarrassed. Still, Ryan obeyed, after a long, tense pause, although it was obvious from the look on his face that he was probably one wrong step away from getting really angry. He had his eyes tightly closed, and there was a faint flush on his cheekbones. The fact that Ryan was so obviously embarrassed about wanting this weirdly made Brendon feel better about not having much of a clue what he was doing. At least Ryan probably wasn’t expecting him to be very good at it.

Ryan was rigidly tense under him, his muscles clenched tight, and he wasn’t really hard anymore. Although that was kind of fun, actually. Usually by the time Brendon got his mouth on him, he’d be all the way there already. It was nice to be able to feel Ryan get slowly hard in his mouth. Brendon took his time, licking the soft skin on the head of Ryan’s dick just because it felt nice on his tongue, experimenting to see how far he could take him without choking, and then trying to go further.

It couldn’t be very good for Ryan at all – he wasn’t sucking, or sticking to any rhythm, and he had to keep backing off before he made himself gag– but Ryan was panting and squirming under him already, trying to thrust up.

Brendon braced his forearm on Ryan’s hip and leaned on it, pinning him down. “No,” he said, and the words came surprisingly easily, now. "I'm having fun here, and you're just going to have to wait."

Ryan went even more tense under him, and Brendon had to fight down a flutter of anxiety in his chest. God, he didn't know what he was doing - he wasn't some commanding BDSM master, or whatever the fuck it was Ryan wanted. He didn't know how to make someone beg, especially someone as stubborn as Ryan was.

But when he looked up, Ryan was flushed all the way down to his chest, his hands were clenched above his head as if they'd been chained there, and his cock was twitching in Brendon’s hand. Obviously this was working for him on some level.

It was certainly working for Brendon, at least. Ryan was pretty easy to tease, he happily discovered. It was surprisingly fun, easing him right up to the edge and then pulling back, leaving him squirming with frustration. It was really nice to be able to take his time like this, too, to be able to just lean up on his elbows and watch Ryan, stretched out naked on the bed, lean muscles pulled taut and his hands clutching the sheets as if he had to fight not to reach down and make Brendon do what he wanted. Maybe next time, he'd try tying Ryan down - well. If there was a next time, that was.

Ryan was getting close again, he could tell - his breathing was hitching in a way Brendon had already learned to recognize. Brendon pulled off at the last second. Ryan moaned, a hitching, desperate sound, and his hips tried to follow Brendon's mouth. Brendon felt the nervousness rising up in him again. Ignoring Ryan's obvious signals like this went against everything he'd ever managed to learn about sex, and he half expected Ryan to get pissed with him, even knowing that this was what he'd asked for.

Ryan had turned his face into the sheets and was panting. His hands were opening and closing like he was looking for something to hold on to. “If you want it, you’re going to have to ask for it,” Brendon tried.

Ryan lifted his head and stared at him with an unreadable look, and Brendon almost gave in right there. But if Ryan had changed his mind, he would just say so, wouldn’t he? He wasn’t even tied down, Brendon couldn’t actually make him do anything at all.

“Please,” Ryan said, flat and defiant, like he was still expecting Brendon to mock him for begging.

Brendon froze for a moment, uncertain. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to push any further than this, but on the other hand, if Ryan wanted to beg, he hadn't exactly done a lot of that yet.

"Do you want to come?" he asked, deciding to make him say it at least once.

Ryan bit his lip and looked away. "Please, yes, let me come," he said hoarsely, as if it hurt to get the words out. He still wasn't looking at Brendon, but even with his face turned mostly away, Brendon could see how hard this was for him, how embarrassing, when there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Despite his own nervousness, Brendon was painfully hard, watching Ryan struggle to say what he'd asked him to.

"Brendon, please," and he sounded sincere, now, relaxing into it a little, as if he'd realized Brendon wasn't going to make fun. As if everything he wanted in the world at that moment was for Brendon to let him come, and dammit, Brendon didn't know what to do with this. They should have agreed on a signal or something - he really didn't know how far Ryan wanted him to push, or when he was supposed to give in.

"Do you want me to-" he started, uncertain, and Ryan immediately said "Please-", except then he actually turned to look at Brendon, and seemed to realize that the question had been sincere, not just a prompt for more begging. He looked away again, quickly. "Sure, if you want," he said, in that familiar flat voice, but it was easy enough to hear the disappointment underneath.

Brendon took a deep breath. "I don't think you really want it enough, if you can't even be bothered to ask for it properly," he said, scooting back a little so he could prop his chin up on his hands, not touching Ryan at all anymore. "Maybe you should try a little harder to convince me."

Ryan jerked his head up to look at him, wide-eyed, and then he relaxed back into the sheets, stretching out slowly, showily. "Please touch me," he said. "Brendon, please, I'll do whatever you want - you want me to suck you off, first? Come on, please. Anything."

God, this was hot, Ryan's rough, broken voice, begging for it like he really would do anything, anything at all.

"I want you to stay still," Brendon said, feeling his own cock twitch eagerly when Ryan immediately stopped moving, unquestioningly obedient. He bent down and gave Ryan's cock one long lick for encouragement, and then got up and went to the bathroom, where he'd tossed his toiletry bag when they'd come in. It took him a minute to find the lube, but when he came back into the bedroom, Ryan was still stretched out in the exact same position he'd left him, the leg he'd had bent into an awkward position trembling a little with the strain of holding still.

Brendon made him stretch the leg out with a gentle hand on his knee so it wouldn't cramp up, but he gave a little hiss of disapproval when Ryan twitched as if he wanted to move the rest of his body. "I told you to hold still. If you want me to let you come, maybe you'd better try being good," he said. It still felt weird, saying things like this, like maybe Ryan should be getting angry with him, but Ryan was eagerly apologizing, "Sorry, sorry," almost before Brendon had even finished speaking. He seemed more into it than Brendon had ever seen him, his eyes glazed and his skin a little damp with a faint sheen of sweat.

Brendon saw Ryan's eyes flicker down to the tube of lube when he uncapped it with a loud pop. He didn't think he was imagining the hint of nervousness in Ryan's expression. They hadn't done this before, and Brendon wasn't even sure if getting fucked was something Ryan wanted at all. Which was why he certainly wasn't going to try that now.

Ryan's eyes went wide when Brendon straddled him and reached behind himself. "Oh God, Brendon, please," Ryan said, his hips twitching up, trying to rub up against Brendon. Brendon frowned at him, and Ryan immediately stilled himself again.

Brendon took his time preparing himself. Ryan was craning his head, trying hard to watch what Brendon was doing without moving his arms. He was looking at Brendon with something almost like awe in his eyes, and Brendon wanted to enjoy the attention a little bit longer. He couldn't stretch it out forever, though, seeing as he was getting kind of desperate himself.

He rolled a condom on Ryan, as slowly and teasingly as he could, feeling him tremble with the effort not to trust up into Brendon's hand. When he stroked him lightly with his lube-slick hand, Ryan made a sound that sounded more like a sob than a moan. "Brendon, please, I can't… Please, please," he said.

"Something you want?" Brendon said. He found himself beaming, delighted. This was fun, and Ryan was so obviously into it. He was so glad Ryan had brought himself to ask for this.

Ryan let his head fall back into the pillow, panting. All the resistance seemed to have gone out of him, and the embarrassment, too, like he'd completely relaxed into what they were doing, like he didn't have to struggle for the words anymore, or the courage to say them. It was such a rush, Brendon felt a little dizzy with it himself. "Please let me fuck you," Ryan said. "Please, Brendon."

"Tell me you want it," Brendon said, kneeling up over him. He had one hand spread flat on Ryan's chest, holding him down.

"I want it," Ryan said. "Come on, please, I really want it." He had his head tilted back a little, exposing his throat in surrender.

I could probably make him say anything right now, Brendon realized, and the knowledge was terrifying and exhilarating all at once. But he wasn't going to push it now, when they hadn't talked at all about how far they were going with this, and when he wasn't even sure if Ryan would be able to look him in the eyes tomorrow as it was.

Brendon took a deep breath and gripped Ryan's cock with one hand, started to sink down on him just the slightest bit. Ryan was trembling visibly, but otherwise holding himself carefully still.

This wasn't how Brendon had imagined their first time doing this would go, but this was kind of perfect, actually. Ryan was so damn big, it was awesome to be able to take his time, slide down in tiny increments and feel himself open around him. Even so, it was a stretch. Brendon paused half-way down, bracing himself on Ryan's chest, his thighs trembling. He took a deep breath and let it out shakily. He could feel his muscles twitching a little around Ryan, trying to accommodate the stretch. From the way Ryan's breath was hitching, he could feel it, too.

He held himself still, thighs straining, until he could feel Ryan starting to shift his hips just the tiniest bit, like he just couldn't hold still anymore.

"Don't move!" he said, and waited until Ryan forced himself to stillness again before sliding just the tiniest bit further down. God, this felt so fucking amazing. He'd never been fucked by anyone as big as Ryan before, and this was definitely something else, the thrill of having to struggle to relax around him. More than that, though, it was that this was Ryan, and the fact that Ryan had trusted him enough to let Brendon see him like this, so open, and in such a vulnerable position.

His thighs were seriously going to cramp up any minute now, though, so he took a deep breath and slowly let himself slide all the way down. Maybe this hadn't been the easiest position to choose for a first time. The penetration always felt really deep like this, for some reason, and with Ryan, it was intense enough that it took a while to get used to. He reached down and stroked his finger over the base of Ryan's cock, feeling himself stretched open around him. Whoa.

The first thing he saw when his eyes would properly focus again was Ryan watching him with a mix of concern and desperation. "Okay?" Ryan asked quietly.

"Way better than just okay," Brendon said, grinning. He shifted a little, and watched Ryan's eyes drop close, feeling giddy with his own power. "You know, I could do this all day." He wrapped a hand around his own cock and rubbed his thumb over the head, moaning with the way all sensations felt magnified like this. "God, this feels awesome," he told Ryan. "Maybe I will do this all day. Just sit here, jerk off, and not let you move. Might be fun. Probably not so much for you, of course."

He felt Ryan try to move his hips, like he was testing Brendon, or maybe he just couldn't help it; but Brendon was resting most of his weight on Ryan's hips, and Ryan didn't have much leverage like this. He couldn't really do more than twitch ineffectively. He'd never be able to do more than tease himself that way. Brendon watched Ryan's eyes flutter close at the realization. "If you want me to move, you're going to have to ask," he said. "Actually, you might have to convince me, because I'm feeling pretty good exactly where I am."

"Oh god, Brendon, please," Ryan said. "Come on, I'm so close, please just let me... just a bit, please, I just need a little bit more. Please."

Brendon shifted his weight a bit, experimentally, feeling Ryan's cock move inside. Oh, fuck yeah. Suddenly staying still wasn't quite so easy anymore.

"Please, anything," Ryan gasped, and Brendon finally let himself give in, easing into a rocking motion that set off sparks behind his eyes.

"Please, can I move?" Ryan said.

"Yes!" Brendon said almost before he'd finished speaking. It was even better like that, Ryan thrusting up to meet him, the two of them finding a rhythm together.

"Oh god, can I come, please, I'm so close - Brendon, please, you need to stop or you need to let me come," Ryan said, his voice breaking with desperation.

Brendon stopped. He was so close, he had to take a long deep breath just to stop himself from coming at the minor shift in pressure when he settled himself back on Ryan's hips, and it felt like every cell in his body was straining to move. But it was worth it just to hear the sound Ryan made, something in between a wordless plea and a sob. Brendon could feel him trembling.

"Just a little longer," Brendon said. He stroked down Ryan's chest with one hand, soothing, and then rubbed Ryan's nipple with his thumb. Ryan gasped, shuddering, and arched into the touch.

"Hold still," Brendon said, and then he started moving again, a slow, rocking motion. Now that he'd had a little break, most of his urgent need to come had abated. Ryan, on the other hand, only seemed more desperate the longer Brendon made him wait.

He let himself speed up gradually. Ryan was breathing hard, making little whimpering sounds in time with Brendon's movements. God, this was so hot. Brendon gripped his cock tighter, jerking off with hard quick strokes, his shoulders curling forward with how good it felt.

"Oh god please," Ryan gasped.

Brendon was so close himself, almost, almost there, and Ryan's pleading just put him closer to the edge. "After me," he gasped, and then Ryan's hand was joining his on his cock, long fingers wrapping around him just right, and the pleasure flooded through him, bright and perfect.

Ryan was still holding himself back when he was done, obviously hanging on by a thread; his face was twisted up with concentration, and his entire skin was shining with sweat now, something Brendon had never seen on him even during strenuous performances. "Please," he whispered, and Brendon fought the instinct to flop down bonelessly and clenched hard around him, twitching with overstimulation.

"Now," he said, and watched Ryan's face go slack with pleasure with a sense of awe. Ryan reached for his hand in the middle of it, gripping hard, and he didn't let go even when he was done, sinking back into the bed with a tired, blissed-out smile on his face.

"God, that was amazing," Brendon said, easing off him and grimacing at the twinges of pain in his overtaxed muscles.

Ryan squeezed his hand. "You okay?" he asked,

"Yep," Brendon said. "Definitely going to feel this for a day or two, though."

"Sorry," Ryan said, but Brendon waved him off with the hand that wasn't happily curled up in Ryan's.

"Don't be. It's kind of hot, actually."

They lay next to each other for a long, quiet moment, and the Brendon tentatively inched a little closer. He'd always been a cuddler, but he hadn't had any opportunity yet to find out how Ryan felt about it; they'd never had sex anywhere they could afford to linger afterwards.

Ryan just shifted easily, though, letting Brendon curl up with his head on his shoulder. "That was amazing," he said. "Thank you."

"I'm glad," Brendon said. He tried to relax into the warm, comfortable feeling enough to drift off to sleep, but the thought was nagging at him, and wouldn't let go until he finally said it out loud. "You want to do it like this every time, now?" he asked, a little apprehensive. He'd enjoyed it - he'd enjoyed it a whole lot, and he wouldn't at all mind doing it again. But every time…

"Oh hell no," Ryan interrupted his thought. "I mean, it's really hot, but it's kind of exhausting, you know? I like it just fine the regular way. I'd just really missed it, I haven't had the opportunity in so long, with… with someone I really trust," he said, the words coming out a little flat, like he didn't have the easiest time saying them.

Brendon felt something relax deep inside him. "So you liked it just fine with me, yeah?" he said, grinning.

Ryan nudged Brendon's shoulder with his, smiling back. "Yeah," he said. "I like you just fine."

The End